It is time to blog again.

I haven’t posted a blog in… maybe 4 years? Maybe more. 

At one point when there was too much noise to bear in my head I turned to blogging to help me make sense of the noise and connect me with others dealing with the same growing pains but as life started life-ing I pushed it aside to focus on more fruitful endeavors. The desire never left me but the discipline and prioritization it required to get the blogs done wavered over time. 

It was an outlet for the creative writer in me and helped me to grow comfortable with my voice as a writer.

I reached my limit today, the noise in my head began to spill over uncontrollably and I found my self voicing things I never want to admit outlaid, negative spells on my life I never want to cast. 

Today I admitted aloud that I am exhausted of what life has become. As a sagittarius I don’t know what it means to be pessimistic but lately with battle after battle it is hard not to be. I have lost the optimism of looking forward to a happy ending, a getaway, new chapters, It feels like every chapter is faced with so much turmoil. All of the solutions I’ve dreamed of for the woes of the world seem so pointless. One step forward, 100 steps back. I am safe, for the most part, and loved, but my heart aches for all those less fortunate than me (and I know there are many) and I wonder what are more, larger, more impactful ways I can help?

I used to look forward to success, success has brought a heavy weight of responsibility. Responsibility for myself, for my staff, for my family. It has brought up fears and doubts of longevity, sustainability. I thought I had conquered all of that with my abundance mantras, but the fears are back. But is that a sign to give up? To choose the easy route, if there even is one, no! But these challenges are rightfully allowing me to rethink my values and realign.

Politically all the progress it felt like we had made over the last century seems to have vanished over night, as a minority and a woman in this world I feel like I am fighting a losing battle and it feels like that battle is alone. 

Our economy is in chaos, capitalism is crushing us. We can’t afford our homes, we can’t afford our groceries (eggs are like $8 y’all), and more and more this individualistic society of entrepreneurs means that to survive most of us are constantly having to sell something. Sometimes it’s our craft, our creations, our personalities, but just seeing the logos of our staple social media apps make me feel exhausted. “Make them subscribe to this” “Get paid to post that” I am so tired of performing for capitalism. I just want to make art! 

It is hard to hold a paintbrush when I can’t stand straight, my back breaking from the weight of feeling responsible to carry everything and everyone so the work right now is not to create art and to work, but to try once again to cultivate joy in the now.

In the present.

In the mess. 

In the chaos. 

Where can I find joy? 

I found joy a few days ago when a blue jay visited my balcony. Her beauty alone made me pause and think of the the simpler things. It brought me back to a space where I find solace. It’s always been oceans, sunsets, and nature for me. They just exist, a marvel to the eye, and they sustain themselves. I wish to be like nature. Sustained by the sun, charged by the moon, nourished by the earth.  We’ve been given so many distractions and they aren’t making us happier, only greedier. 

I need a reminder that there is more to life than productivity and numbers and success. I want simply to be content. 

So this blog is for me and for you. A space to just be, to think, to release. A moment I can sit with myself and not try and sell myself or a product or a lifestyle.

It is a moment for reflection, a space for growth.

I hope you take a moment to find your center today. To find the time and space for joy.